The Denim ‘n Dirt Blog

“The splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of its scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness.”-Therese of Lisieux

How often do you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else and finding yourself LACKING? How often do you find yourself ENVYING another person and thinking “if only I was …like so and so or if only I had this or that…like so and so.”

ENVY is a natural emotion that is encoded in our brains like all of our feelings. All feelings are information; they are meant to “inform” us about ourselves and our environment. Emotions are like a “compass” helping us know “where we are” internally with ourselves or what is happening outside of ourselves. Our awareness and understanding of our feeling can “instruct” us or others about what we want, need, what is currently happening and/or what to do.

ENVY is a feeling that tells me I am missing something that I do not have-and I want it! So I need to take responsibility to go for what I want or GRIEVE what I cannot have…ah, the life of being a real grown-up!

These responses to my ENVY are healthy responses to envy as compared to getting stuck in the thought/feeling loop that I am not good enough or simply getting stuck in the “coveting pain”. Another healthy response to ENVY may be that the envied person becomes a role model for me to achieve something I long to be or long to have.

Or maybe, I can put energy into accepting the beautiful “flower” that I am-and meditate on how “every flower in the garden has much to contribute to the beauty and texture of this world.”

Decoding and understanding our feelings is the work therapy.  As we take the steps to either acceptance of “what is” or to change what we can, equines can help us as they mirror back to us what they experience in us.   Equines are MASTERS at reading our feelings-no matter what feeling-and they help us embrace these feelings and ourselves. They enjoy all sorts of flowers-even hayseeds!

How well do YOU listen? How well do people listen to YOU? I used to think that LISTENING was natural for everyone. In my years as a psychologist, I discovered it actually is NOT! There is listening and there is LISTENING!

Good listening is actually far more complex than most people realize. People often speak with “layers” of meaning and it takes very TRAINED ears to really catch the communication.

And on top of that, add in the non-verbal parts of communication (80%)-and you can begin to see how complex listening and receiving the “what is said” accurately, (including the “subtext” of the spoken message) really is!

One of the many beauties of working with equines in therapy is that they have an “uncanny” way of listening. Their excellent hearing ability and their remarkable ability to read non-verbal cues in addition to “feeling” others feelings puts together a powerful package of helping people LEARN TO LISTEN. Learning to listen to self and others and being listened to in all its dimensions is a core of Equine Assisted Psychotherapy.

Did you know that we have ALL OF OUR AGES encoded in our brains? Did you know that emotional trauma (and/or neglect) arrests the developments of our brain in certain areas-like emotional maturity, well-being and the ability to have healthy, intimate relationships?

If we have been emotionally traumatized at any age, these developmental deficits commonly called “our issues” will “dog” (sorry horses) us until we look at them and “work them through” (called “confronting our issues.”) And the TRUTH is, there is NO WAY AROUND this if we are to live out our healthy potentials.

Regarding trauma, there is trauma with a “small t” and trauma with a “BIG T.” Even if you had the “best parents”, there is likely to be some “small t” arrests in your brain-helpful to recognize and work on for reaching your optimal potential. But for those of us who have had more of the bigger T’s in our lives, it is ESSENTIAL to address these so that we can suffer less and have better lives. This will impact our friends and loved ones in a positive way as well.

The earlier the trauma or the BIGGER THE TRAUMA-no matter what age, the more this will affect our life functioning. The brain remembers and develops neuropathways that encode the various traumas (leading to developmental arrests in emotional functioning). Typically, people will employ psychic “defenses” unconsciously to defend/protect against the internal “remembered-I-don’t-want-to-feel” assault.

Defenses are natural and it is good we have them. However, there are more “primitive/childlike” defenses and more “advanced/higher level” defenses. People who have been hurt/traumatized in childhood tend to use the same “child-like” defenses that were available to them when they were hurt. They get stuck here and continue to use the same childhood defenses into adulthood. This never bodes well for relationships!

As well functioning adults in this world, we need healthy adult defenses. “Childlike” behavior in adult bodies is the result of early childhood trauma and development arrests. Unfortunately, our world is filled with people who have not yet worked through their “baby parts.”

There are defenses of the “body” type-somatic (your back goes out so you focus on that pain instead of the emotional pain that you cannot “stand up to”) or you “forget” and miss your appointment with your therapist! Or perhaps you have an addiction problem which is causing all sorts of relational havoc and you “flat out deny” that there is a problem. Maybe your spouse says she is miserable in your marriage but you tell her (and yourself) that “we have a happy marriage.” Even DEPRESSION can be a defense-it is a shutdown of the awareness system-of the feeling system in the brain.

Since the brain has a lot of neuroplasticity (i.e., it can grow and change), HELP and CHANGE is available to everyone who want to “do the work” it takes to change. Equines assist us in this hard work by being projections for our inner worlds and stories. They do not judge us or shame us as we work through difficult emotions. They engage with us and show us something we need to see that we cannot see by ourselves or would take months to learn in “inside office” therapy. Equines are non-judgmental, insightful and loving companions who can help us explore our “baby parts.”

Dr. Elisha Goldstein, author of THE NOW EFFECT-How This Moment Can Change The Rest of Your Life (He is an author of other books as well-look him up) has spent his career educating people on the importance of paying attention to what is in front of you RIGHT NOW-the MOMENT- RIGHT NOW. Most of us, who suffer from anxiety, project into the future and WORRY. This is a MALADAPTIVE way to live. Planning is fine, but WORRYING is not.

Equine Assisted work is PERFECT for the HERE AND NOW. Horses do not worry-they are PRESENT in the moment and can teach us, oh so much, about how to live. Dr. Goldstein would be wise to use these magnificent animals of examples of the HERE AND NOW. Horses REACT but it is always to the PRESENT moment-not about the future and not about “what if…what if…”

Tara Brach, author of TRUE REFUGE had an interview with Dr. Goldstein not long ago and gave a great acronym for us to use to keep us in the present moment. The acronym represents a process that I have used for years in my own psychotherapy practice. Recognizing feelingss (in the mind or body), allowing them to be without judgement, being curious about what the feelings are about and their etiology in a compassionate way; hence developing emotional skills that will serve you for your lifetime. Tara’s acronym is more succinct and is the following:

R-recognize
A-allow
I-investigate
N-Natural Awareness

RAIN is a lovely acronym to help us remember. Thank you Tara for this helpful acronym. And GUESS WHAT? Dr. Goldstein is a VERY WISE man and he will be with us for a Fall workshop using EAP for Mindfulness! Stay tuned…

Did you ever just feel “like you need to get away from it all”? Sometimes life just seems too “overwhelming” with all our busyness and ongoing-unceasing daily demands! Do you ever let yourself just stop? What are your “shelters” in your life? No matter what life stage we are in, we need to sometimes just STOP THE WORLD and take some emotional “timeout” and “shelter”!

Think about what your “shelters” actually are? What does your “timeout” experience look like? Take timeouts for yourself. Avail yourself of the shelters in your life-no matter how unconventional they may seem!–Baby Donkey Wisdom

Equines show us over and over again if we are just willing to look and “take in” the lessons they are providing. There is still room at the Women’s Retreat on May 18th if you want more lessons from our equines. June 8th is our Couple’s Retreat for couples who want to learn and grow together more. SCHOLARSHIPS AVAILABLE

Hey, the results of the 2012 survey of the Equine Assisted Therapy world is out! People are getting the message and figuring out the power of this kind of therapy for healing and helping! This was a survey taken by the EAGALA (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association)-reaching out to all of its certified practitioners. Here are some of the results:

There were 35,143 clients served throughout the world

This included 63,134 hours provided

There were 3,843 horses involved

The issues addressed for these various clients break down in the following way:

ADHD: 29.3%
Autism Spectrum: 17.9%
Children ages 0-nine: 23.1%
Children/youth ages 10-eighteen: 60.5%
Corporate/organizational development: 17.5%
Criminal offenders: 7.7%
Depression/anxiety: 53.3%
Eating disorders: 14.7%
Family/couples relationship: 35.8%
Grief and loss: 28.1%
Human child trafficking: 1.4%
Men’s group: 2.3%
Military: 11.6%
PTSD/trauma: 40.1%
School groups/sessions contracted by schools: 13.2%
Self-improvement/wellness: 31.3%
Sexual abuse-perpetrators: 1.6%
Sexual abuse-victims: 25.9%
Substance abuse/alcohol: 30.4%
Teams: 12.5%
Women’s groups: 18.6%
Others: 21.8%

What stands out for me is that DEPRESSION/ANXIETY with PTSD/TRAUMA chasing close behind it are two of the main challenges treated with equines. Next comes SELF-IMPROVEMENT/WELLNESS. This fits with our current program perfectly. Working with families and couples is also a “big one” for us as well as other practitioners. I am very encouraged and excited about these results. We are “catching on” but guess who is NOT SURPRISED!

The only ultimate “happiness” in life comes by “facing into” our issues, emotional pain and loss and dealing with the realities of one’s life. Avoidance, denial, addictions (often functions to keep feelings out of awareness) and general defensiveness about ourselves, our situations and our feelings really get us no where fast! Facing it head on or facing toward (more slowly but still facing in!) are the “best life strategies” but no one needs to do that alone.

Availing yourself of the help that is out there is paramount to healing and emotional well-being. In fact, it takes a wise, strong person to ask for help, contrary to the typical notion that “If I ask for help, I am weak.”

As a nation, we have put so much stock into being “self-sufficient” and “not needing anyone to get into our business”-so much so that people continue to emotionally suffer terribly. We are not taught about our feelings (basic emotional intelligence) in school so where else is one to learn about the language and experience of feelings? Most people have a hard time identifying their feelings and if they can identify the feeling,they often don’t know where it is coming from, what it is about or what to do! So many people have been taught to “push down” feelings or just ignore them. Bad idea…leads to depression and anxiety!

As it stands today in our society, mental health practitioners are the “emotional intelligence” teachers. Functioning in this world with low emotional intelligence is like walking around with two broken legs-you are not going to get too far!

With the help of our equines, who for survival sake, have had to become highly emotionally attuned, we also can learn and grow in our emotional intelligence. Knowing what is happening outside of me and inside of me is essentially accomplished by becoming emotionally skilled-leading to emotional intelligence. “Horse sense, n: stable thinking.” Let’s face it; Let’s go for it!

I’ve been watching our Mini donkey MOM be a PARENT-and have been wonderfully instructed as to how GOOD ENOUGH PARENTS operate in this world! They COMMUNICATE CLEARLY AND DIRECTLY. They SET BOUNDARIES for their OWN SAKE and for the little one’s sake!

When I first watched mini donkey MOM kick Early Boy while she was eating, I was horrified! But trusting she knew what she was doing, I sat back and really watched closely. I observed how she was setting a boundary with him CLEARLY and very DIRECTLY (no way to miss that message!) as she needed her OWN SPACE AND TIME to eat and REPLENISH! She had no guilt or confusion; she was CONFIDENT and knew what she needed and what her baby needed (as he is sweet as can be and growing like a weed!). How many of us humans are that confident and clear with our parenting?

Not only was MOM clear and confident, she was PROTECTIVE and NURTURING to this little guy. In addition to communicating with her little one, she also communicated to the other donkeys re: the space that she needed.

Equines KEEP IT SIMPLE.

THEY SAY WHAT THEY MEAN and THEY MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. That kind of communication seems to work pretty well!

Here at Denim ‘n Dirt, we can help parents find a “good enough” way of parenting because we have GREAT TEACHERS! For Moms and/or Dads who need a little time away to REPLENISH, we can provide that as well. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES and JOIN US for some great parent lessons with our equines!

EAP is a non-riding event! It turns out horses are REALLY for a lot more than riding and know a lot more than how to go GIDDY-UP! All riders know that if you are really nervous or having a “bad day”, your horse feels it and it will be a jittery, crummy ride or even a dangerous ride. If you have no confidence, your horse will also sense that and act accordingly. We don’t want any accidents that most riders (including myself) have had either. As Roy Rogers put it: “When you are young and fall off a horse, you may break a bone but when you are my age, you just splatter!” We don’t want any broken bones or splattered bodies-just not good for mental health…

It turns out that Winston Churchhill’s reflection that the “outside of a horse is good for the inside of the man” is true. We don’t need to ride to get the benefits from horses. We just need to hang out with them and work on our issues and they will give us exactly what we need. Humans love horses for what they embody and represent: freedom, spirit, perseverance, adventure and drive. They are typically gentle, loyal and fierce friends and are the ultimate travel friends that will go the distance with you. They are perfect healing partners for all who will be in their presence.

People “grow” around sadness. It is one of those feelings that has to be “borne” or “worked through.” But “bearing it” and “working it through” all alone is rarely the best choice. Like horses and donkeys, we are “herd” animals. We need the help of our “herd” to bear and tolerate this pain. Going to bed, avoiding, isolating, saying “I’m fine”, ignoring it, falling into a deep depression or other maladaptive behaviors-none of this works for optimal mental health-or even physical health for that matter.

My grandmother lost her beloved son (and my father his beloved brother) when the boy was 11 years old after a long and excruciating illness. She had no one to help. She went to bed for a year and her husband got very busy at work and stayed very late hours, often not even returning home for the evening. My father and his siblings were emotionally abandoned at a time that they needed their parents the most.

As a little girl, I knew none of this story. It was not spoken of-it was buried in the deep recesses of their minds (and family secrets) but not in their hearts or bodies. My Grandmother was the saddest woman (though a very loving woman) that I had ever known-and I did not know why. She died of crippling arthritis and a broken heart. My grandfather, at age 97 before he died, wept and asked my aunt why had his little boy been taken away. My father (age 80) wept inconsolably in a restaurant at dinner one night when I asked him about this little brother. I felt sadness and grief for years associated with what I NOW know was this horrible PAST FAMILY experience/history. I teared as I gave a presentation on GRIEF in one of my graduate school classes. I, unknowingly carried this family pain…

Help is far more available today than it was years ago. I am an expert on GRIEF both personally and professionally. I know animals help us with our sorrows-some people say you have as many animals as you do sorrows! Equine Assisted Psychotherapy is a POWERFUL tool to help those who grieve-no one has to do it ALONE anymore if they will just avail themselves of the help that is available. I hope more and more people will let themselves be helped through their grief. We are HERD ANIMALS and we need to let ourselves use all the resources available to us which includes people and horses who understand and are there for you.